Why I Never Ask My Cat, “How was your day?”

After getting in from our respective days, my wife and I always ask each other, “How was your day?”

It’s just a natural thing to ask and we genuinely want to know and share our daily routine. As far as the cat’s day is concerned, I don’t want to hear it. She’s got the best life ever, and all it does is make me jealous.

Kitty Envy

The wife calls it Kitty Envy and I admit I do have it bad. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I know what I want to come back as. A day in the life of our cat is about as perfect as any man could hope for what with all the naps, treats, belly rubs and, did I mention the naps?

It’s a Stretch

First thing in our cat Yogi’s day is the stretch. Have you ever truly watched that first in the morning tip of the paws to the tip of the toes stretch your cat does? If I could stretch like that I could be a gold-medal winner in gymnastics. Heck, I could at least watch it on TV from my recliner without pulling something. Yogi is so into the morning stretch I could imagine her relaying every tendon stretch as she takes her time getting it just right. I can’t even stretch these days without cramping up so I don’t want to hear it.

That’s Very Interesting

My cat is never bored. She doesn’t even have Facebook or Twitter to occupy her time but she can be fascinated just staring out the window. Thank God they don’t have Kitty cellphones or we’d never get her back. A large portion of her day, when not napping is spent staring out the window. She is allowed to go outside but sometimes she’ll come in just to go back to the window and look out. That ability to be consumed by the mundane is a considerable talent but one most of us outgrow with the end of our teenage years. Though she probably thinks I’m doing the same thing as her window watching when I’m watching the NFL on TV, I don’t recap the games for her. Since she doesn’t care who the Denver Broncos beat today, I really don’t care what she stared at for three hours either. Amazing how alike we are though, huh?

Food for Thought

Our cats all eat the finest food available and I can say that with confidence or you wouldn’t be reading this on this website. What gets me is after feeding her the best I can find in cat food, she immediately walks outside and eats a grasshopper. The wife witnessed this just the other day and said it grossed her out. I responded that many cultures in other parts of the world eat grasshoppers every day so don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. She countered that several cultures have and will never experience double cheeseburgers, rib eye steaks or Hamburger Helper, (one of the greatest inventions ever.) so don’t knock that; yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that shut me up quicker than you can say Quinoa and Kale so we certainly don’t need to hear about the bugs, spiders, mice or whatever else Yogi decided to snack on today.

Be Careful Where You Plop

I really don’t want to hear how many laps she plopped on today. Yogi can decide to flop on any lap in the house and not only does she not get in trouble, whoever owns the lap will not move for an hour so as not to disturb her. Whenever I take a nap, the vacuum comes on, it’s time to change the sheets, or somebody needs something opened. No one seems too concerned about waking me, but ask them to do something for you and they point at the cat on their lap and shrug, “No, I can’t get up.” Last time I plopped on someone’s lap I was told, “Grow up,” or “Really?” She does have that ability to put me to sleep when she lays on my lap, so I guess maybe I need to claim exclusive cat nap lap rights.

Bragging Rights

So that’s just a few reasons why I don’t want to hear how the cat’s day went and I didn’t even get to the belly rubs, the ear rubs or the fact she doesn’t have to share her toilet with anyone. Besides, if she could relay how her day went, I’m afraid it would sound too much like bragging.

Meet the Author: Michael Ryan

Michael Ryan is a full-time musician along with a humor, travel and outdoor recreation columnist. He's also an avid skier and golfer and has traveled extensively around the U.S, the Caribbean and Europe. His musical career takes him all over the U.S. and his wife drags him everywhere else. His weekly columns “The Life of Ryan” ran in the Transcript and Sentinel newspaper chain for several years and have been featured in the Denver Post, Rocky Mountain News and Mile High Magazine. He is the co-founder, editor and humor columnist for ColoradoLocalLegends.com and currently resides in Morrison, Colorado.

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