When Christmas Gifts go to the Dogs

It’s that time of year and everybody gets a present.

At least that’s how it goes at my house as The Wife insists we buy every dog in the neighborhood a Christmas gift. Maybe that’s why they all love her and growl at me?

A New Leash on Life

You may not believe this but even dogs can be particular about presents. No self-respecting dog would be happy getting a new leash for Christmas. Now, they may think it’d be a pretty good joke for the cat to get one, but they’d rather not get one themselves. No, that’s a present you might get their owner, but I imagine Calvin next door would growl even at The Wife if she bought him a new leash for Christmas.

It’s Pet Jewelry

Now collars are a whole different ballgame. I was surprised when I first heard this, as I hadn’t had a lot of pets when I was young. Cats and dogs seem to really like their collars. Maybe not all of them do, but the one’s I’ve known seem to take ownership in a collar. The dogs we’ve bought collars for have sat there quite calmly while we put them on and seem happy to have them. Of course, they seem happy to have anything, other than a leash, so that may just be them. The funny thing is our cat will sit right down and even try to help by sticking her head through the new collar. Of course, she’s the one who lost the old one to begin with, so maybe she’s already plotting on how to get rid of this one; she’s just like that.

Clothes Make the Man, Not the Dog

I have never seen a dog that looks happy in a sweater. Okay, I take that back, Jasmine who lives on the other side from Calvin prances around in her sweater with pride. Maybe it’s because it says “Doggone Gorgeous” on it and everyone says “You’re doggone gorgeous” to her in that silly voice saved for little dogs and little children. Other than that, or unless it’s absolutely necessary, dressing a dog in human clothes should be considered cruel and unusual punishment.

Can You Hear Me Squeaking

I love buying dogs squeaky toys. They love them, I love them, and their owners, well, not so much. Depending on which neighbor it is determines how loud I go. The good neighbors get a normal squeaky toy, or at least their dogs do. And the others? Well let’s just say the louder the better. The neighbor who blows his leaf blower at 8 AM every Saturday morning all spring, summer, and fall gets the loudest squeaky toy ever made by man.

What Chew Looking at?

Every dog loves chew toys. They are not only a good gift but they are good for them as well. Okay, what they really are good for is keeping your dog from chewing on everything else. The idea is, if they get used to chewing on their special toys, they will leave your shoes alone. I wonder if I could find some chew toys that look just like slippers for that neighbor with the leaf blower.

Candy is Dandy

Now we all know not to give our pets candy, but their idea of candy is a bit different than ours. There’s nothing wrong with buying your neighbor’s pets a few treats as long as it’s the good stuff like Honest Kitchen’s Proper Toppers or their other healthy treats. There is absolutely nothing that says you can’t make the pets and owners both happy with you.

Meet the Author: Michael Ryan

Michael Ryan is a full-time musician along with a humor, travel and outdoor recreation columnist. He's also an avid skier and golfer and has traveled extensively around the U.S, the Caribbean and Europe. His musical career takes him all over the U.S. and his wife drags him everywhere else. His weekly columns “The Life of Ryan” ran in the Transcript and Sentinel newspaper chain for several years and have been featured in the Denver Post, Rocky Mountain News and Mile High Magazine. He is the co-founder, editor and humor columnist for ColoradoLocalLegends.com and currently resides in Morrison, Colorado.

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